You’re a Real Doll, But… (My Theories on Why Barbie & Ken Never Got Married)

mamma | Jan 26, 2010 | Comments 0

They first met in 1961. It was love at first sight. They were the perfect couple – literally made for each other. But somewhere, during their 40+ years together, something went wrong between one of the world’s great couples, Barbie and Ken, and I think I know what it is….

First off, I don’t think Ken liked Barbie being the breadwinner. She had at least 108 great-paying jobs including paleontologist, fashion model, doctor, U.S. Army and U.S. Navy Officer, NASCAR Driver, Mary Kay consultant, astronaut, Olympic champion (gymnastics and figure skating), Ambassador for World Peace, rock star and movie star. Ken, on the other hand, didn’t seem overly ambitious. After a brief stint as a ski champion, he seemed only interested in extreme periods of tanning or lying in the bottom of the toy box until someone would pull him out to mash faces with Barbie - or sometimes G.I. Joe on a dare.

Her incredible number of consecutively-held, high-profile jobs also kept Barbie on the road a lot, making her both emotionally-distant, and good on her, monetarily self sufficient. To Barbie and all her five to twelve-year-old friends, Ken was simply an accessory, a boy toy. Her pink plastic checkbook alone could handle the mortgage on the Barbie dream house and townhouse, the payments on the Barbie corvette, the thousands of wardrobe changes and her fabulous hairstyles. There really wasn’t even a need for a man around the house. Barbie had young human servants who would clean, move furniture, make dinner – even flush the toilet for her. Yet through the years, Barbie and Ken continued to stay together, if only for the kids.

Things got tense when the couple discovered that they could never have children of their own. Ken had flesh-colored underwear that was welded to his skin which created both an emotional and physical barrier. Then, there were the rumors that Ken might be more interested in his friend, Allan Sherwood, than Barbie. These rumors were fueled by Ken’s flamboyant wardrobe selections in the 1980s, such as his not-so-popular “Jewel Secrets Ken” look, a light blue silver lame jumpsuit that excreted sparkles, only to be followed by “Super Star Ken” in 1988, who repulsed even super-supportive Gem and the Care Bears with his garish one-piece jumpsuit and rhinestone bedazzled sunglasses and I.D. bracelet.

And if things couldn’t get any worse, they did when Ken came out with his highly-questionable “Earring Magic” look in 1993. Ken in his purple mesh shirt eerily resembled makeup artist and stylist Jay Manuel from America’s Next Top Model. Was it really a surprise when Barbie started hanging out with Blaine, that awesome boogie boarder from Australia?

Why did Barbie and Ken never get married? It could be because Barbie was too busy balancing her role as an Olympic medal-winning, jet-setting ballerina surgeon and pop culture icon. It could be because of Ken’s incredibly ridiculous taste in clothes.

But it’s probably because marriage is a very real subject. The reality of a marriage could never be imagined by a child, nor should it be, because children grow up to discover the real world all too soon. For the kids, Barbie and Ken will always live happily ever after… as the very best of friends.