Love Actually (Surviving the Stages of Marriage)

Anyone who’s ever parented a toddler will likely agree that there is some truth to the myth surrounding “the terrible twos,” a period marked by temper-tantrums, selective listening, and mood swings. While I try to avoid blaming the terrible twos for some of my daughter’s actions, many times there simply is no other explanation. After all, she is two.

           
But the terrible twos, like many of life’s phases, will pass soon enough. This time will require tolerance, unconditional love and extra efforts on my part, but I know in the end I will emerge a better parent. My patience will be strengthened, and I’m sure I’ll grow a little wiser in the process, and better equipped to handle the next parenting challenge that comes along.

           
The same philosophy holds true for marriage. Marriages aren’t without their ups and downs. There are days when loving our spouse is effortless, but there are also those days when we must choose to love each other despite tension, stressors and everyday aggravations. Because life comes at us fast and often without warning, it is all too easy to take out our frustrations on the one person we vowed to love most.

           
As we age, our marriage ages with us. If we don’t choose to grow together, we will ultimately grow apart. The marital relationship has a life cycle too, including periods reminiscent of our children’s terrible twos and teenage years. Like childrearing, couples must learn to navigate through the difficult phases of marriage together. Just as the temper-tantrums of a two-year-old eventually lessen, the rough patches in a marriage will likely smooth over; but not without patience and the determination to see the tough times through.

To Love and to Cherish: The Honeymoon Phase
In the beginning of a marriage, expectations and reality meet head-on. Couples enter into a marital relationship with a preformed set of ideals based loosely on the households in which they grew up. Adults often model (or reject) what they saw as children, at least on some level, and approach their own marriages accordingly. Chances are good that each spouse had a different childhood experience. Toss in the media’s depiction of relationships, the romanticized versions often seen on TV and in movies, and the gap between expectation and reality dramatically widens.

           
The wider this gap, the more tension exists in the relationship. Couples expect the early years of marriage to be euphoric, when in reality, they usually aren’t. Unrealistic bubbles are popped, socks don’t make it into the hamper, the toilet seat is left up, and while you were at work, someone ate the last slice of cake you’d been fanaticizing about all day.
           
Couples use the early stage of marriage to learn (and learn to tolerate) each other’s idiosyncrasies. Communication is essential. And, like it or not, your spouse is not a mind-reader. Don’t expect your other half to know what’s bothering you if you’ve never verbalized it. Respectfully talk about your likes, dislikes, expectations, and hopes for the future of your marriage.

Bringing Home Baby: Moving from Spouse to Parent
A second terrible twos stage of marriage ironically occurs after the birth of a baby. Again, the expectation of bringing home a newborn oftentimes doesn’t match the reality. When pre-birth visions of Norman Rockwell moments are met with colicky, sleepless nights and utter exhaustion, stress levels rise. Couples must reconfigure their current marital roles and must learn to make life work as a family. Everyday tasks become harder, and the ability to tend to newfound responsibilities may become overwhelming for both working and stay-at-home parents.

           
Caring for a new baby (or any child) eliminates the come-and-go-as-you-please days of early marriage. Kids require around-the-clock care (and don’t come with an on/off switch or pause button). Also, in today’s society many couples live farther away from their extended family, which eliminates the “it takes a village to raise a child” mentality. The couple is left to tackle parenthood virtually alone, taking the concept of teamwork to a new level as spouses learn to depend on each other, respecting one another as not only husband and wife, but as co-parents.

           
As spouses direct their attention to the children, the marital relationship can be unintentionally placed on the back burner. This is called benign neglect. Couples don’t mean to neglect each other; it often happens because life-demands like work and parenting force a couple to balance multiple responsibilities at once.
           
Emotional and physical intimacy, romance, and fun are unintentionally ignored. Benign neglect places distance between a couple, which can enhance loneliness and stress. This makes the marital relationship more vulnerable to serious long-term problems, such as infidelity, abuse (verbal, physical, or emotional), or even divorce.  

           
Once a couple has children, it’s important that couples revisit topics like discipline, faith, and marital/parenting roles. The more in sync a couple can become, the more unified their partnership. Also, it’s important to acknowledge stress. Empathize with one another because isolation can lead to resentment.
           
Parents shouldn’t feel guilty about being overwhelmed. They should talk to one another, ask for help from friends and family, or seek council from a family therapist. Make time for each other. Laugh together, and make it a priority to enjoy your newly formed family.

The Long Haul: Navigating the Marital Life Cycle

As children age and become more independent, marital satisfaction increases. But just as children continue to go through difficult stages (after all, that terrible two-year-old will likely become a temperamental teenager), the marital relationship will continue to be tested.
           
Remember, families don’t develop in isolation. Life continues to happen all around us. Jobs are lost, family members pass away (unfortunately, the list goes on). Working to build and maintain a strong foundation for your marriage will help to keep it stable during periods of stress, both expected (like having a baby) and unexpected (like losing a job or a loved one).

Nichole Huff has a Master’s degree in Marriage and Family Therapy and is a Certified Family Life Educator with the National Council on Family Relations. She and her husband, Bryan, are lovingly navigating their own “Terrible Twos” stage of marriage, literally, as they proudly parent their two-and-a-half-year-old daughter, Addison, and six-month-old son, Drew.

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